Grief is weird. Loss is a constant nagging feeling that seems to be with me, like a shadow I cannot shake no matter the light. My Little Grandma died a few weeks ago. She was 101 years old, and by the look on peoples faces when they ask me about her, I should be fine with her death...or something. Do most people just let their relationships with their grandparents fade, even while they are still alive thinking they will always be there, or just becoming to busy with their own lives to give it any thought until they are gone forever? and just accept death. Not me.
I didn't do that. In fact, I did the opposite. In the past year, even though LG was healthy, I did not take one moment for granted with her. I cherished any time we were together. But it still hurts so bad to know she is gone. I think I thought if I cherished the moments they would help me during this time. Maybe it does help and I'd feel worse if I hadn't...but I doubt it.
Today is Friday. Every Friday I would drive LG to Holy Folders at the church. Fridays feel weird now. Like I'm forgetting something.....
Everyday I think of her winking that blue, blue eye at me when I'd say something sassy.
Everyday I think of her telling me she can't cry anymore (she said she was too old for tears) while I wonder if my tears will ever stop.
Everyday I think of how soft her hands were when I held them near the end.
Everyday I think of her saying she would kill me if I messed it up with Grant, because he is the best guy (I teased that he was her favourite...but now realize that it was because I was so special to her, that she wanted the best for me)
Everyday I've worn a little piece of jewelry of hers. It makes me feel better.
I just cannot believe she is gone. Forever. I know a million trillion people have lost loved ones and this is isn't a "new" phenomenon but I feel like I'm the only one feeling this...right now, about her.
She started telling me to not be sad when she died, about a year ago, in which I would tell her that was crazy, I'd be sad, and she would look disappointed in me...I keep holding on to those conversations. Hoping she would understand that I'm sad, because I miss her.
If there is anything I've learned through these days is, it's so important to say what you feel, to the people you love, RIGHT NOW.
You might not have until they are 101 years old.