Grief is weird. Loss is a constant nagging feeling that seems to be with me, like a shadow I cannot shake no matter the light. My Little Grandma died a few weeks ago. She was 101 years old, and by the look on peoples faces when they ask me about her, I should be fine with her death...or something. Do most people just let their relationships with their grandparents fade, even while they are still alive thinking they will always be there, or just becoming to busy with their own lives to give it any thought until they are gone forever? and just accept death. Not me.
I didn't do that. In fact, I did the opposite. In the past year, even though LG was healthy, I did not take one moment for granted with her. I cherished any time we were together. But it still hurts so bad to know she is gone. I think I thought if I cherished the moments they would help me during this time. Maybe it does help and I'd feel worse if I hadn't...but I doubt it.
Today is Friday. Every Friday I would drive LG to Holy Folders at the church. Fridays feel weird now. Like I'm forgetting something.....
Everyday I think of her winking that blue, blue eye at me when I'd say something sassy.
Everyday I think of her telling me she can't cry anymore (she said she was too old for tears) while I wonder if my tears will ever stop.
Everyday I think of how soft her hands were when I held them near the end.
Everyday I think of her saying she would kill me if I messed it up with Grant, because he is the best guy (I teased that he was her favourite...but now realize that it was because I was so special to her, that she wanted the best for me)
Everyday I've worn a little piece of jewelry of hers. It makes me feel better.
I just cannot believe she is gone. Forever. I know a million trillion people have lost loved ones and this is isn't a "new" phenomenon but I feel like I'm the only one feeling this...right now, about her.
She started telling me to not be sad when she died, about a year ago, in which I would tell her that was crazy, I'd be sad, and she would look disappointed in me...I keep holding on to those conversations. Hoping she would understand that I'm sad, because I miss her.
If there is anything I've learned through these days is, it's so important to say what you feel, to the people you love, RIGHT NOW.
You might not have until they are 101 years old.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
I spent Friday night playing good old fashioned party games with friends.
Why did this ever go out of style? I remember when I was a wee coco, my family and I used to reference a book called "Gay Party Games" at Grandma and Grandpa Brown's house. My parents would snicker at the book title (I had no idea why, but would laugh along like I did) then they would leaf through the book and find game for the whole family to play together!
Look...for a mere $18 US I could own the party bible. I would forever throw super fun (and apparently hilarious) parties! I must investigate further...
Here is an entire page on losers! I love that in 1942 is just was what it was (not that I REALLY have any idea what it was like in 1942) there was seemingly no worry about upsetting, scarring, or drawing attention to a loser. Some suggestions include:
- saying "mixed biscuits" rapidly ten times (I seriously cannot even say it once)
-without using your hands find a dime in a saucer of flour! WHITE VOLCANO hee hee
-say "what am I doing" four different ways by placing the accent on a different word each time you say it. At the end the Judge says "making a fool of yourself". (you even got to HUMILIATE losers in the 40's...fun)
By 1967 the games starting getting a little more interesting! LOL It's not what you think...sheesh! Well, truthfully it would seem the games are straying a bit from 1942 and some of the games make me a little uncomfortable...so I'm sticking with the 40's.
I wholeheartedly think games are a great way to have fun and some laughs and create fabulous memories. We played Musical Chairs, a relay game with 2 teams, a pillow and some yelling of "OVER" or "UNDER", a Pictionary type game and we ended with some charades!!
I loved how the friends we were with, brought up memories of years past charade moves and laughed again about it (they are all family and have been doing this for years together)! I do believe we will be giggling for a while remembering a certain someone trying to act out "Alice in Wonderland"!!
I really am going to try and bring this back, no matter how much groaning I get from people. It's time. 50 years later. Gay Party Games. (do not bother to google this...they aren't what they used to be)
Will you come to my party?
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Well, it's day 30 of my vegan challenge! I really feel great (except for the brief stomach flu incident that had NOTHING to do with being vegan...Mom!) and I am going to choose to be vegan, for now on...maybe not forever but I am so pleased with the choices I have been making everyday that I want to continue. I will definitely make better choices through the holidays than I have in the past...I have been known to eat a lot of Grandma Brown's shortbread in one sitting!!!
Some discoveries over the past couple weeks have been:
I attempted a pine nut "cheese" it was a wee bit too onion-y (I used an onion instead of the shallot the recipe called for) but it was a great snack in celery with chia seeds on top for extra nutrition points!
Stella's veggie burgers are vegan...without the cilantro sauce! I just added guacamole and presto...instant YUM! (well not instant...the guys do have to cook them...but I don't cook them so it's zero effort for me!)
After my stomach flu I was craving some macaroni and "cheese" I learned that "Mac & Chreese" is NOT a great substitute for Kraft Dinner!! I have also decided that I should just make noodles with Daiya "cheddar shards" ( I LOVE the names they come up with for substitutes!!) if I have this craving again as the amount of preservatives in KD or the like is horrendous!
So AMAZING for special coffee treats!!!
I topped our Saturday morning fruit salads with this coconut milk yogurt substitute! It was amazing! I have to say out everything I miss yogurt only! This is a PERFECT substitute! The fruit salad was amazing too...it was holiday inspired with fresh organic raspberries, kiwi, grapefruit and pomegranate. Even though it looked like a crime scene in my kitchen after getting into that pomegranate...I highly recommend adding this to your next fruit salad...it was really yummy to have all those juicy seeds...and it made the fruit salad festive...if you are into that sort of thing!
Remember my $2 find at the thrift store a few weeks back? YUP here it is!! I LOVE it...it reminds me of being 10 and I like that! hee hee
This Saturday G and I are taking our nephew out to find a tree! I'm hoping for the above type tree! I hope the weather is nice as it would be nice to have alot of the family out with us looking for trees...I am getting really excited! I haven't done this in years! I usually feel bad about "killing" a tree but this year I will have a special blessing for the tree before we take it and have faith that a new sappling will be planted in his place in the spring...(I know, I know...but that is how I roll!)
Really excited to make some precious memories this weekend! I am also going to work on gratefulness and read the following quote everyday.
"Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can."
-- Dalai Lama
I am looking forward to sharing my new experiences in the days to come with you!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
crafted from fabric & cork
Well...it's been a long stressful week and I got myself a touch of the flu (viral or stress...I'm not sure) For you non-believers, I'm fairly certain it is NOT because I haven't eaten animal protein in 13 days!
Sunday night dinner at my mom's was awesome! I have to say I was pleasantly surprised! Considering Mom told me to F-Off when I told her about wanting to try the 30 day Vegan Challenge, I really hadn't expected her to cook us a full vegan dinner! She made a Vegetable Paella (if you run into Mom...ask her to say PAELLA...it makes me giggle everytime!) that was delicious with corn and coleslaw, vegan bread and margarine, followed with this amazing bunt cake...banana chocolate! YUM!! In the midst of this family dinner, my husband somehow convinced my Step-Dad to try the 30 day Vegan Challenge...Mom is super thrilled about this!!! LOL Last I heard she was making Seitan and he has been vegan 5 days!!!!
Murphy is not vegan
I have discovered a new blog http://mynewroots.blogspot.com/ It is so inspiring! Her creations are beautiful. I think I will try the Black Bean Chili Chocolate cookies this weekend! I am also going to make a Red Lentil Pate http://www.food.com/recipeprint.do?rid=89298 to go with http://stellas.ca baguettes to share with friends. I have discovered two quick delicious dinners this week:
1. steam potato, carrot, swiss chard, edamam beans tossed with margarine (vegan of course) dill and salt...super fast easy dinner for when you are tired from a stressful day at work and cannot call and order pizza because you are on the 30 day Vegan Challenge!
2. Saute onions in a soup pot, add 1 carton of veggie stalk, a bag of frozen veggies, a can of white kidney beans (or whatever beans/lentils you have in your pantry) and rice pasta...viola...instant vegan soup!!!
This week has been challenging for me. Not because I'm craving any cheese or eggs...or whatever I thought I would be freaking out about, by now, but because choosing to eat this way takes preparation and organization...two things I am VERY bad at. I'm super happy I've discovered some Vegan Fast Food! But really want to cook some new dishes this week so I'd better get organized!
I have managed to knit out a dish cloth, a cowl and a penis sock....OK, it's really going to be a head band thingy (official name) I will post pictures when it's done as I have big plans for the HBT! I also spent a whole $6 at the local thrift store and got the most awesome 2 items!!!
This Picasso cost $4 and albeit a print (LOL) is priceless and so inspiring to me! My remaining $2 spent will be in my next post...CLIFF HANGER...hee hee
Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
I have just made myself some double love tea! It's been a fairly quiet weekend for me as G has worked all weekend and is currently there again as I type...sigh
Thank Goddess for girlfriends and wine! Friday night was super fun and has kept me out of a funk for the rest of the weekend.
Day 5 & 6 of the vegan challenge have been awesome! Still no cravings for cheese! I really thought this would be the one thing that would be making me go crazy by now...but nope...all good!
We have been eating this http://familyhw.com/2011/10/african-sweet-potato-and-peanut-stew/
since Friday night! It's super delish! I will, however, next time add more heat (cayenne) and add some greens (kale, Swiss chard or spinach) I made basmatti rice and don't forget the cilantro (which I did for this picture!) it really helps to layer the symphony of tastes perfectly.
I'm also excited to report my weight loss tomorrow after a full week being vegan. I'm not exactly sure how much I've lost but I sure feel good...stay tuned...
A little know fact about me...I'm a wool hoarder! I cannot help myself. I see wool, I must have it. Then I start simple projects and rarely finish them. Almost every one of my needles have a half finished something on them! So today, I vow to finish SOMETHING in my knitting basket (ok, I may have more than one knitting basket, I am also a basket collector and wool looks really nice in baskets...I'm just saying).
So bottoms up "le double thé d'amour" and a knitting I will go!
Friday, November 11, 2011
(on the burner today Body Shop's Silver Fir)
Day 3 and 4 are behind me on my 30 Day vegan challange and I feel amazing! I really am finding it almost unbelievable how much energy I have. This is so huge considering I find this time of year super hard. Since being diagnosed with being crazy...(not the exact medical diagnosis) I have struggled with the medication prescribed to me. I decided a couple of months ago to try to treat myself (not the best idea...I know what my doctor will say about this!) with diet and excersise. I just didn't like how the meds made me feel. I just feel so especially awesome this week! I could chalk it up to coincedence, I suppose, but it has been quite grey here and that would normally have me in bed with the duvet over my head while all my work piles up around me, I really think this is helping. I actually am looking forward to cleaning my house today...if you know me, you know this is HUGE! I also am going to tackle my little studio as I have been wanting to start making art again!? YAY!
So...as you can see this diet of plant-based foods, is pretty much a miracle to me! I have looked forward to my workouts all week, which NEVER happens!
Jewel is loving my new verve for morning workouts too! Here she is vigorously rubbing herself on my runners while I'm doing my stretches...might I also note she drooled all over my yoga mat! She is so happy, I'm happy!
I have been sticking to the same breakfast all week of quinoa and a Vega shake and ate at Boon Burger again for lunch on Wednesday to support them for the TV filming. I ate left over lemony potatoes on Wednesday night. Last night I made our favourite cassorole from my favorite vegan blog http://blog.fatfreevegan.com/2010/09/asparagus-and-chickpea-casserole.html It is such a yummy comfort food!
I am looking forward to trying some new recipes this weekend as well as getting together with my most favorite girls tonight...thank goddess wine is vegan!